Hello, fellow United States Citizen! In a world of booze,hookers, and the threat of nuclear annihilation, how prepared do you think you are? You more than likely know nothing but a damn about nuclear survival. Did you know that you can drink radiated water until you turn green? Did you know that hiding under a desk crying in fear for 24 hours avoids 90% of the initial blast radiation? It’s amazing! Better than that… Do you even know how to survive a nuclear wasteland? Do you know how to fight a mutated crab? Do you know how to kill a 6 foot tall fly? What do you drink and eat? These are all pretty legitimate questions.
To save your life from death, your survival can be put into three categories:
Before the Blast
During the Blast
After the Blast
Before the Blast
Before the blast, you are going to want to have supplies prepared. No, Coca-Cola is not a supply! We’re talkin’ supplies like canned goods, water (lots of it), first aid kits, hazmat suits, a radio, condoms, weapons, backpacks, etc. These supplies should be in the shelter you plan to run to when it all goes to hell. You will know when things are going to hell when you hear a REALLY loud boom.
Now you can be a little baby and hide in a closet OR you can find a place far enough underground to not be affected by the shockwave, heat, and the radiation from the blast. RADIATION GOES ALL DIRECTIONS, NOT JUST ABOVE GROUND. If your friend hated you so much to kick you out of their shelter, don’t panic because you might experience one of the most painful deaths possible. If you have a sliver of luck, you can hide in a trench to avoid the shockwave. Nothing, however, is going to defend you from radiation so start writing your will!
Before the bombs drop, there will be mass chaos as men grab their children and children grab their mothers and mothers grab their money bags. When you hear the familiar siren on TV, don’t hesitate to run to shelter! If you did everything correctly in the first steps, you won’t have to jump into a trench and hope to God that you don’t die. On your way to the shelter, don’t hesitate to use force on the elderly. The United States will be under martial law anyways. On the way to the shelter you shouldn’t have to fight for a bag of Oreos because you should already be loaded with them in your shelter. Once in the shelter, put on protective clothing such as a helmet, hazmat suit, earplugs, and gloves and turn on the radio.
During the Blast
Hope to God that the aren’t dropping a bomb directly or near your shelter because you will be utterly screwed. When you hear the drop of the bomb or see a flash of light,immediately find something to keep you steady. If you’re above ground at this point you might want to consider shooting yourself in the head, but if you’re underground you will survive. Hold on tight and don’t die!
After the Blast
Congratulations! You didn’t die and you’re one of the one percent of people who survived the nuclear apocalypse. At this point the radio must have gone out and you’re alone. If you’re alone you WILL be alone for about 3 days because that’s how long you’re going to be in your shelter. In those three days DO NOT EAT OR USE ALL YOUR RATIONS. DO NOT DO IT. IT IS NOT WORTH IT. Who knows what food will be safe or unsafe when you go up to check the damage.
After the three days pass, you can go outside to survey the world. Wear a pair of dark shades sunglasses when walking outside for the first time because you will certainly be blinded the moment you walk outside. You should also be wearing a hazmat suit for protection. Once outside, look around: Is the world destroyed? Is everything green? Am I safe? Why am I so itchy in this hazmat suit? If you’re lucky, only one bomb may have dropped nearby and your entire neighborhood may be slightly damaged. If you’re unlucky, everything in a 10 mile radius is obliterated. You will see dead bodies, broken lives, broken dreams, dropped Oreos (the horror!), and Hell on Earth. Keep calm and do not panic because that will weaken you. If there is nowhere to go cry, go cry back in your shelter because it is more than likely too dangerous to go looking for things right now. After a couple of days, a nuclear winter will arrive and you should avoid most outdoor activities for one year after (this is where the supplies come in handy)...
In all honesty, if you’re still alive… Why are you alive? What’s the point? Everyone’s dead, nobody will make new music or movies, everyone you know probably burned to death, there’s no hope for humanity, and all of culture is forever lost in the depths of human agony. Just kill yourself. That’s the easiest step. After the nuclear winter, I honestly have no clue what to do because it’s never happened to me. ...Yeah just kill yourself. That’s the final step.